Feelings whoa whoa whoa Feelings

So I have been stewing all week with several different issues and I just barely concluded that the only way to organize all my thoughts were to put them down on "paper". I kept trying to gather them in my head, but they have strayed away from each other countless times. Seeing as how this is my journal and I am an open book anyway, you get to hear it all, or stop reading now. So at the start of the week I was happy to complete a book that the bishop recommended to me called "The Peace Giver". He recommended it to me because of all the feelings I have been struggling with regarding my parents divorce. Upon completion my first thought was, "whoa, deep, I'm going to have to read that again." There was a lot of very deep thoughts in there. It made me remember the part in the book "Charlie" by Jack Weyland, where he has a hard time getting past the fact that she wasn't a virgin, and she brought up that if the Lord had forgiven her then her sin is washed away and how could he (Sam) not forgive her? The Peace giver goes much deeper then that, but really made me think about forgiveness and the atonement and my Savior.

The Porcupine

I then moved on to a book that the bishops wife recommended that is called "How To Hug A Porcupine" Now I wanted to read this book for two reasons, both of them being Family members (or possible family members) that Rub me the wrong way!. So on Wednesday night, I got to take Liza to her Achievement days at the church, and I curled up in a chair and began to read. Much to my dismay, I discovered that I am the porcupine! As I read over the description of porcupine like behaviors (aka Toxic Behaviors) I was almost sick. Needless to say I haven't read anymore because I am still trying to sort that news out in my head. It really made me rethink my whole life and every relationship in it. I realize that my mom is the Master Porcupine who Trained me up to be this way. I follow her every move, even though I don't want to. I default to her way most of the time and I hate it. I think about my relationship with my children and I am so controling and difficult to please. I often look for what is not done rather then what is. I try so hard to not do this and be postive, but there is always her voice learking in my head telling me that if I don't show them that they need to do it 100% they will fail at life. I have to block that voice out a whole lot. I always feel like if I praise a 70% job done, that they will think that this is good enough and won't push to be better. My poor children. It also mentions controling others, and when they don't adhear to your demands you remove them from your life. I starting thinking about relationships that I have had through my life, and how many of those relationships fell to the side because that person wasn't at my beckon call. :-( Any one who knows me very well knows that I had a marrage proposal of sorts right before I met Brent. I turned that boy down becuase he wasn't willing to change his ugly shoes. (this is true) However when I met my sweet huband and didn't like his shoes either, he changed them, and I knew we would get along just fine. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that Brent is the best match for me, I love him so much, which leads me to one of my whoa's with this....I don't want to push around someone that I love so much, just like my children, I don't want to change who they are and make them be under my rule. It also brought up this impression that porcupines have that everyone elce is mad at them, or not calling them because there is some problem, where really the other person has just been busy. I am TERRIBLE at this. A porcupines reaction to this is "get them before they get you." which in my past has sometimes interfeard in friendships becuase I would break it of with people quick before they could leave me. As I thought about these characteristics and the many others that were listed I realized that I do recognize these behaviors as wrong and I stuggle with what comes natural to me. I ofen have to talk myself down off of issues and pull myself together and remind me of what is important. I think that I am off to a good start if I can recognize them and I don't like them. But in Conclusion of the porcupine issues, imagine if you will, reading a book that you thought would help you deal with a difficult person, only to find out that you are the difficult person. Not the biggest ego boost ever.

The Meds

So then on Thursday I was suppose to take Liza to Piano lessons at Sis Jensens house, but I totally and completly forgot. This is probibly the 3rd time that I have completly ditched her, maybe more (I hope not). Anyway, I know that anyother teacher would tell me tough luck and charge me for the lesson anyway, and I know that it is totally rude to not show and it shows her no respect and I feel horrible. I hate that I have done this, this is not the way that I am. I am so controlling (see Porcupine) that I don't miss things that I schedual. However, since I had Katie, got wind of the divorce and lost my mother in law, I have been on Zoloft. It has helped me so much with my anxity (See Porcupine), I have become such a better mom, and have been able to blow off a lot of this divorce crap. I don't cry about Shirley every 3 days anymore, and I feel a lot better about my relationships in general, but it makes me forget things. I suppose that the forgeting things is the meds working. I can't stew over stuff and my brain doesn't stay focused on the bad crap that's going on, but it also doesn't stew over or keep track of things that I need to do. I have gotten a lot better about keeping a callender and following it, but still some things slip through my fingers. I had an especially hard time with my calling as RS Secretary because I couldn't remember things that I said I would do and I really never did find a way to keep track of stuff. I sucked at that calling, and the pre med days me, would have rocked it. Oh well, that's past.

IN SHORT

So to wrap it all up.... I am a recovering porcupine who needs to be on meds that makes her forgetful and I don't know how, or if I need to change this.. There you have it, a weeks worth of stewing. I will post something more fun tommorow. :-)