I hesitate to post when I feel this way, as I don't want it to come across as a "cry for help", or a poor me, but I treat this as a journal and since it is read by many I also consider it a place where those who read it can see that they are not alone when they feel like this too. (holy run on sentence bat-man) Anyway, I don't feel like fixing it....Today I am having overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. I feel like no matter how I try and no matter what I do, I can't get my feet under me. I feel like I suck at my calling, my house has been a disorganized mess for 2 years, my finances are barely organized enough to avoid bounced checks, and my spirit is depleted to almost nothing. My testimony remains strong as I know the truth, but the natural man peaks through and desires to throw in the towel at the lack of perfection and the expectations at I put on myself. I take spare time for myself to do things like Belly Dance and teach water Aerobics, but then I come home and feel guilty that the house continues to suffer. I know that I could read my scriptures instead of bogs, but then I feel like i live in a bubble. I am so social that I think it would kill me to never do my social stuff. There are not enough hours in the day, I've gone to bed before 2:30 am once this week, and still live in a pig sty. With my 4 kids I have grown increasingly forgetful and flaky, and feel horribly about this, as I used to be SO organized. My heart is torn as my parents fight through this divorce, both telling little things to other people about each other. My cousin on my moms side, I am sure is avoiding me, so that we don't talk about it, it's just a mess. I feel self conscious about my post 4 baby figure as I approach a dance concert this weekend that exposes my mid drift, however I sit as we speak eating Lindt Chocolates as I drown in my self pitty.
However, I am grateful for the people that I have in my life here. I am grateful for Friends who love me and recognize my sadness. I am grateful for my sweet husband who upon hearing about my day told me that he had a song on our I tunes for me to listen to called "welcome to my life." I am grateful for his constant support and the fact that he never tells me that the house is a mess, or that I need to do better. I love him for that. I beat myself up enough, I don't need anyone else to do it for me. I love living here in Maryland and I love the sisters in our ward, they are wonderful. (really, not just cuz I know you guys read my blog) Well, I am going to wade through all my crap in my basement and go to bed and hopefully wake up tomorrow morning with a new outlook and the ability to get a bit done around here.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
I hesitate....
Posted by Christie at 12:45 PM
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7 comments:
You have to know that I admire you. I appreciate your honesty because it does make me feel that I am not the only one barely getting by some days. You are the friend I prayed for when I moved here. Hope today looks a little brighter. If not, let's do another slurpie run! :)
Oh Christie, I am sorry you feel this way. The way I see you is the exact opposite! You are such an amazing person and friend.
Baby steps.
I think is is a good thing for you to blog this. A little therapeutic. It will motivate you, because you know what you want. It is a good thing to strive to be better.
I have more to say...I will call you! =)
I LOVE YOU CHRISTIE!
I am right there with you on everything you wrote. I completely understand and feel the same way at times. I just have one question, how in the world are we supposed to keep a clean house when we are one cleaner against an army of many mess makers? I guess we do our best, and let the rest go. Thanks for writing this, it helped me today.
I love you Christie!! I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but truly know you are not alone. It is overwhelming - all the expectations, demands, guilt, sorrow... It's so hard to remember to be kind to yourself. I read something about a woman that truly felt she lived a happy life and the secret she said was every night before she went to bed she looked at herself in the mirror and forgave herself for everything that had happened that day. For some reason that story has helped me, but I still struggle with beating myself up... A human condition I think a lot of us deal with.
On a lighter note, I would kill for your amazing post 4 baby figure!!! :) Good luck for your performance!!
I so appriciate when people are willing to write these types of feelings down. It IS easy to feel like you are alone when you feel that despair that you can't shake yourself out of. It is so easy for me to think, when I see families sitting serenly on the pew at church, that THEY have got it TOGETHER. But, just because this hour seems to be perfectly fine, that doesn't mean the other hours of the week are. I am so quick to judge my own inadequaces (i can't spell that) while I also assume everyone else is completely fine. Just so you know, you are not alone and like Jeri said, striving to be better is a good thing - I just have to keep telling myself that BEING perfect cannot be the goal. Striving to do my best - that's about the most I can handle :)
I invite you to pop in on my playroom right now--if you dare! I'm not sure you could find your way out. I totally hear you about the feelings of inadequacy and guilt BUT look at all the great stuff you are doing! Keep your chin up, Christie!
:::Hugs::: We all go through that inadaquacy thing, probably more than we should. I really appreciate the women in our ward too, and I'm glad that you're one of them :)
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